This year, like every one for the past five or six years, I set goals. I’m going to learn Spanish. I’m going to read a novel in French. I’m going to have an amazing book launch. Usually I greet the turn of a new year with enthusiasm and vigour or with a calm indifference. I sleep through the parties, the clock striking twelve and spend the first week reminding myself to increase a digit in the date.
This year I’m neither jubilant or indifferent. This year has been emotional Olympics and mental boot camp. I know, it’s only the first week in February. But since the last few months of 2017, the Universe has brought it to my attention that before we proceeded with our external goals, we would be addressing some of the messiness and the trail it was leaving.
It’s like God is saying: Imma let you continue, but here’s how its gonna work: we’re revealing, purging, wiping down and making over. Kaype?
So December and January were a slow roll of observing actions, habits and beliefs that have held me back and have hurt others. Its fun to practice Spanish and plan out my blog, it is not so fun to learn that you have been living in fear, doubt, and judgement; that you’ve bee sucking at communication and staying focused. It’s hard being shown the ugly parts of yourself and coming face to face with the consequences of that ugly.
But there is good in it.
It’s hard to find the good in it when you are still in it. But I know it’s there.
I’m learning about the ego and am starting to see how it behaves; how it flares up like an infection, how it causes me to shrink. I’m learning that I’ve been so attached to the outcomes that I don’t fully enjoy the present or the process of life. I’m being reminded that the present is all that ever is.
I know that I am being humbled. I am being directed to stop choosing fear over love, stop doubting myself and to eliminate growth stunting beliefs that keep down with loving affirming ones that build up.
It’s a humbling process, to be shown yourself through real life examples. It’s like “Okay God, enough with the call outs, sheesh”.
I’m simultaneously in a place of frustration and optimism. But more than I’m upset with some of the things I’ve done, I’m happy that I can see where I need to turn around. I’m happy that I can share the journey and lessons with others. If I want truth and honesty in others I have to offer the same.
I don’t know how my story will end. I don’t know how the year will end. Shoot, I’m trying to figure out how this post is gonna end. I’m thankful for the strategies that people are putting into the world to teach other how to deal with their messiness. Personally, I’m learning how to meditate to curb my overthinking.
I’m committed to offering to the world as well. My mission is to create, to engage and to elevate. I’m looking forward to enriching collaborations and to fun and powerful workshops . I believe I am elevating to become a better Abena this year, only because the excavation is going deep.